Variations of Mornings

As soon as I opened my eyes, I hit the snooze button, then turned to my other side, and closed them again. By repeating this, I have made my way into reality without much awareness. I immediately checked my phone. Four notifications, three messages, two e-mails, a bill to pay. Without even sitting up I started replying to people, checking the e-mails, then closed my eyes again. I was lacking the motivation to get out of bed, but eventually, my thirst took care of that.

Pulled the curtains aside, it was raining. The idea of not going to class crossed my mind. What for? My degree won´t even have any value, by the time I graduate, the world will be flooded or in flames. Or everything will be taken over by automation and artificial intelligence or whatever.

My growling stomach made me go to the kitchen. I made myself an avocado bread. While preparing, I saw in front of my eyes how avocado trees took over beans and corn crops in Argentina, placing farmers into poverty and water insecurity, journeyed to Europe on a containership, to the supermarket on a truck, so that an employee of the store can toss it out because it doesn´t look perfect. How disturbing, that the sole preparation of a simple breakfast can make me think of the complete production process of a vegetable. I found the avocado in a trash bin of a supermarket, so technically I was not a contributor, yet I ate my toast bitterly, angry about the workings of the world.

Stepped outside to tensely rush to the station. While getting soaked in the rain, my socks were sliding down in my shoes, a great addition to an overall shitty morning. There was a group of small children on the tram. All noisy, all taking the seats, all really annoying. To ease my irritability, I attempted to disentangle my earphones and then put some music on and just breath.

In – one, two, three, four. Out – one, two, three, four.

Opened my eyes. Took a deep breath, stretched my body and twisted my spine. Yawned, while recalling my dreams. Sat down on the floor, closed my eyes and focused on the point between my eyes, trying to see my thoughts come and go without grabbing each to dwell on. A hard task, as the monkey-mind never rests. Breathwork eases the process, and as I take comfort in it, my world becomes simpler by the second.

In – one, two, three, four. Out – one, two, three, four.

I see thoughts coming and going, but I just sit there, watching them without a care in the world. Acknowledged cars going by, the wind´s strength making a humming sound, my roommate leaving the apartment. Deep breath into my lower back, that´s where it aches the most, where I store all internal tension. Placed my palms on my face to bring myself back, and opened my eyes. Washed my face and brushed my teeth, attempting to use as little water as possible. These actions have become part of my routines, I don´t necessarily give them any attention by now. 

Pulled the curtains aside, it was raining. Comforted my initial negative reaction with the thought of nature absorbing this water to be able to blossom and provide us with oxygen, food and simple beauty. It´s springtime, and it´s raining. That is how it should be.

My growling stomach made me go to the kitchen. I made myself oatmeal with apple, cinnamon, and honey. I put the apple core into the compost bin, as feelings of gratitude emerged towards all the bees that contributed to the making of the honey and the people giving their labor to my eating of this comforting breakfast.

Stepped outside to welcome the raindrops hitting my face and a breeze sweeping through my hair, then a stronger wind making my scarf appear to be flying. On my way to wherever I was going there was a group of children on the tram. Many ethnicities, many heights, and many kinds of laughs. Innocently and cluelessly existing in the present, their clumsiness made me smile. I have caught myself smiling on trams quite frequently in recent times, and occasionally, I catch people´s eyes on me as if something was wrong with me. Then I smile even harder at them, without a care in the world.

I checked my phone, four notifications, three messages, two e-mails, a bill to pay.